As an adult I am learning things and hearing things that I wish I had when I was younger, especially anywhere between the ages of 14-18. I have always been someone that kept everything very much to herself. If I was struggling with something or something was going on, I pretty much always assumed that I could handle it on my own. I figured it wouldn't happen if it wasn't something that I wasn't meant to handle. I didn't realize until I was grown how wrong I was.
One thing that I think is a common struggle for teenagers and adults alike is the fight with, or rather for, their self-esteem. As a teenager and younger I got picked on a lot; sometimes for things I could control (like my clothes) and sometimes for things I couldn't (my awesome Friday family forehead). The clothes that I wore were ones that I liked but were not considered to be fashionable or in style. I was often teased because in the summer I wore jeans, instead of tiny shorts. I chose my tried and true jeans and t-shirts over most anything else; and apparently that made me some kind of target. I had problems with confidence both about clothes and body, as well as just in general. Some of the things that I faced were ones I should have never tried to face alone. I thought I had handled them well, until recently when I had to go back and revisit them to try and undo some of that harm they did. It took me about 7 years to learn that those things which so deeply impacted my confidence and my sense of self were ones that I didn't cause. They were not ones that were meant for me or ones that I could have prevented, but they are ones that told me that I was worth less than I was. They affected how I looked at myself in every way. During the time when I kept all this to myself, I often found my biggest consolation in music. There were times when the words were uplifting and gave me comfort, others were just about the tune being an upbeat and happy one to make me feel happy. Either way I learned the importance of music and the message it can send.
Now as I have been working on the goals I have, some of which include the physical, I sometimes find myself feeling 16 again. Especially in Texas where it's approximately a million degrees in the summer I see a lot of pretty girls in tiny outfits, and immediately I feel like that girl getting picked on for her jeans. I try to remember that my goals aren't about being stick skinny or wearing the "right" clothes, it's about being healthy. I try to remember that and that I never had the interest in the tiny outfits, but when you feel like they're everywhere it can be tough. Which is why I have hearkened back to music. Lately, I have been so grateful for more and more songs coming out about loving yourself for who you are. In a world that I know is even harder than when I was in high school it's incredibly important that girls are hearing messages like this more than the ones about drinking and being stick skinny and half naked. These two songs are ones recently that have come out; they are completely different but I love the message in them:
This one actually made me teary when I watched it because I remembered the struggles that I had then and sometimes now and it brought such comfort to me. It helped remind me that it doesn't matter what others think about me; all that matters is that what is looking back in the mirror is beautiful to me. Since seeing this video I try to remember those wonderful women that I have been told I look like when I feel the least beautiful. I remember things that people have said and that I see that help me feel beautiful.
"You look so much like your grandmother"
"You are your mother's daughter without a doubt. You're definitely a Friday baby."
"She reminds me of Aunt Linda"
Like I said, the videos are two completely different songs. But I love this one! I love the message it sends. She even mentions the skinny ones who think they're fat "No I'm just playing I know you think you're fat. But I'm here to tell ya every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top."
The long and short of this is that I am still learning to be happy with who I am. What makes it easier is surrounding myself with messages like these; the one's that say we're beautiful and worth it just the way we are. That's my thought for today. Thanks for reading!
Okay...so it has been a lot longer than I intended it to be. My blog and my goals got lost in the shuffle of life, as they usually do; and that's all I'm going to say about that because we've all heard the excuses. In fact I got so far away from it that I had to remind myself what my goals were.
I realized that my overall excuse for a lot of things is "I just don't have time." Which is total junk because there are a bunch of people who do the things I am trying to do plus the rest of their life every day. The real problem is my time management is much more lack luster than I originally thought. I thought before it was all because of school that I didn't have time, but right now school is out and the fact that that's still being said is pretty much a lie.
In regards to my physical goals, I had a little extra kick to quit messing around and get to it toward the end of my semester. I was having some terrible back pain; I was having spasms and painful stiffness that made it hard to move. When I went to the doctor she prescribed me some muscle relaxers but also told me the best way to really help it is to strengthen my core muscles. She wanted me to get a gym membership but that just wasn't an option so I asked my awesome cousin Li Witt what the best way for me to do this would be (she's an awesome personal trainer). She said Pilates would be best. There was an even bigger reason to get moving and since that doctor appointment, I noticed it! The days that I was more sedentary, my back killed! When I was more active, it didn't hurt so much. That's kind of a kick in the face when you can see that much of a difference. Not to mention all the things I mentioned before that I've been noticing about myself. I am a planner and so I would try and make sort of an outline of my day where I would do exercise and everything at a certain time but the fact of the matter is no matter how many times I "scheduled" it, I knew it wouldn't happen until I was motivated to do it. So today, after I was frustrated because I woke up later than I wanted and I knew the apartment needed to be cleaned. I ate my breakfast and thought about doing my workout and something in my head said "just do it" and for the first time, I did! I did some pilates and let me tell you, that is no joke! The movements seem so brainless and easy but they make your whole leg or whole middle feel like it's on fire. But it felt really good to just push through it and finish. That's something that I have a hard time with; if something is super hard or hurts like that did, I want to just stop but I didn't this time! Now, the trick is keeping it up. Doing it every day. But I liked the way that felt and I want to keep it up!
The other kicker is the diet part. I have an ever growing sweet tooth and it drives me crazy! But the good thing is that summer is here and summer is one of my favorite seasons for produce. In the summer time my appetite always drastically decreases because it's so hot out. When I was younger and it was rally hot and humid we would have a really good, really big, and really cold watermelon for dinner and it was awesome! The only problem is I spent the first 18 years of my life being spoiled with really amazing summer produce and I just can't seem to find stuff that's as good here in Texas. If anyone local has any suggestions, I will take them! I also noticed when I get really mindlessly busy is when I eat the most junk; with that I know I need to take the time to really choose my food carefully and just sit and eat without any distraction so I can tell when my body is telling me it's full. I also noticed that there are certain foods we grab on the run that make me feel so gross! Yeah they don't taste terrible or anything but I feel so gross after I eat them. Why would I keep eating them if they make me feel that way? It doesn't make sense, so I am not going to eat those things.
The mental goal of not comparing is becoming a more mounting one. When it gets hot outside, girls where less clothes. That's annoying! I have never been one that had any interest in short shorts or tiny tops, but when everyone is walking around in that it can be hard not to feel like you don't size up. My goal is just to think about other things and try to ignore them; that's pretty much the best strategy with that.
The spiritual side of my goals falls under the same excuse as the physical ones. "I just don't have time." A total pile of garbage when it comes to reasoning. There's not a whole bunch to say about that except I am working on doing better.
Okay, I am giving fair warning now that this might seem a little scatter brained and spastic. There is a lot on my mind and in my heart and I feel it's important to share, so bear with me.
So this last week I really hit the gas when it came to putting these goals in motion. There is definitely something to this blogging thing because when there were parts of that goal I didn't feel like doing the thought in my head was "don't be lame...there are people now that know what you're trying to accomplish." I am a planner. A major planner. When I know that there is a habit I am trying to change that requires a chunk of time out of my day, I have to make sure it is the same chunk of my day every day. I am a creature of habit to say the least so this makes a difference. So before I got real thick into diving into these things I made a routine for my days. Classes make it so there's some variation day to day, but in general my Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are very similar and my Tuesdays and Thursdays are very similar. I decided that I was going to get up at 6:00 every morning and exercise before my day really starts. Anyone who knows me well would be shocked at this voluntary decision (mornings aren't my thing) but they'll be more shocked to learn that I did it!
For my goal of exercising 30 minutes a day I used this beginner's running challenge I found on Pinterest because I've always wanted to run but never could really do it. I was surprised at my own perseverance, but I kept going. Unfortunately the week took a turn for the worse and it caused bumps...big bumps in my routine. Lots of stress, made it so I woke up Friday with a killer headache and upset stomach. I still worked out but I mostly stuck to the stationary bike because running with a headache makes you feel like your brain is going to fall out of your ears; and that would be unfortunate, and messy. But I did notice as I was working out that I wasn't so tired! I was amazed! Before this I would get so tired in the afternoon that I would try to do homework and end up falling asleep (not for a short 15 minute cat nap either...for like 2 hours). This last week that didn't happen! I did not feel as exhausted, and that made me super happy! I also noticed that I felt stronger and more confident just in my day to day whatever I'm doing. I felt like because I was making an effort to take care of myself better, I mattered more. Funny how that works. This week starting off I didn't exercise because extra stress caused me to get behind in homework, which made me have to stay up later. But I will get into that more a little later in the post.
When it comes to my sweet tooth, I have been doing a lot better! I have been trying to opt for things like fruit (which I love) and yogurt if I have a sweet hankering. The yoplait light yogurts really seem to work for me, especially the raspberry cheesecake one....yum! I learned a long time ago that as soon as I say "I am not going to eat (insert some form of junk food here) anymore!" I want it more. The only thing that hasn't been the case with is fast food. I don't feel a huge tug toward that; I eat it when it's necessary or if we're with someone and go but I don't pull for it. So this time I didn't try to say I am not going to eat cookies or candy because I knew that if I did a little while later I would be just like Hammy in the attached video. But I did do a lot better in finding better things to replace the sweet things, while still allowing myself to have a little.
Here's where the bigger stuff comes in. My big moments this week were more than I ever expected. It was super stressful, emotionally exhausting, and a gigantic blessing. I started saying my personal prayers every morning and every night, I read my scriptures right after school before I even turned on my computer for homework, and Glen and I were reading them together and saying prayers together before bed. It was really really awesome. i felt like there was a difference being made in my day. I was grumpy less and more appreciative. Then on Tuesday our car overheated...again (it happened like a month ago). We got it towed...again. And our awesome mechanic (Damon at DC Automotive...for any local friends) took care of it...again. Wednesday morning it started to overheat again...so we waited for it to cool off and add fluid to it. We had to do this every morning in order to get Glen to work and me to school without the temperature gauge going crazy. Friday my dad drove the car and realized there was fluid wherever he parked. Back to Damon we go...and a few hours later (which were kind of fun because I spent the afternoon with my Daddy) Damon tells me that the head gasket is toast on the car. Something that could be repaired but for more than the car was worth. He said the car would not last long, and we needed to look into get another...quickly. Our only car toast. It had a lot of miles on it, but the kicker was the it was confirmed by Damon that another dealership that it was taken to (Kuni Honda for my Colorado friends and family...don't take your car there) basically messed it up real bad by putting some substance that didn't belong in the radiator. That caused the need for expensive repair and the demise of our Civic. I was on and off in tears a lot of the following days. I didn't understand at all; we were staring to do the things that we needed to again, we had finally got our financial footing. it was shortly after all the expenses we spent on Charlie being sick. I was so frustrated, confused, and deflated.
Damon told us about a local place that would look at the car, assess it's worth and basically give us cash for it. He told us to take it there and use that as a down payment on a new one. I was not at all looking forward to this. I hate having to buy clothes, let alone something large, on four wheels, and priced like a bazillion times the cost of pants. But I knew there was a blessing in all of this. Blessing one: no one got hurt in all these shenanigans. Everyone I loved was safe. Saturday Glen and I took the car to get its value assessed. We didn't have super high hopes. It's old, lots of miles, and looks its age. We were thinking $400, maybe $800. Blessing two: appraiser came back with an offer of $1,700. Which provided a significant down payment and the first month's worth of payment. We were surprised and elated with this new and met my parents to go car shopping. We had an idea of what we wanted but we weren't sure. It was later in the day than we wanted to start so we didn't have much time. Luckily we were with my parents and were able to get our grocery shopping done too. Blessing three: I have really fantastic parents that happily help their children in any way they can; not to mention they think of their in law kids as their children so they're always willing. We let our car sit for the next day and a half and got a ride to church and everything. During church I had just tons running through my head. We can't afford a car payment, I have to go back to working again, that will affect my school work, I'll never see Glen, we can't even afford to pay tithing. Blessing four: luckily for me, my husband even in these situations is completely steadfast in the tithing area and dutifully and willingly paid it. I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was on and off in tears most of church, let alone the rest of the day. But my parents, Glen and I came up with a game plan for the next day to get the car taken car of. So yesterday we took our first car together back to where we went Saturday and handed over the keys in exchange for a check. Scary, yet a relief. Then my Dad took us to shop some more. The first place we went we just did not find anything that clicked and we moved on. The second place we went (with my mom too this time), I wasn't expecting to find anything. As soon as we got out of the car, I saw a salesman come towards us and I thought "great catch, vulture." But man was I wrong. This guy (Larry and Toyota of Irving for any local friends maybe looking for a car) was amazing. Not at all the stereotypical car salesman. Talked to us about his children and said that he would want someone to help his children in our situation so he was going to help us; and he did. A few hours later we walked out with a palatable monthly payment, more peace of mind than we thought we would have, and a reliable (and pretty) car.
Larry, and the really nice woman Ana in financing were super helpful, polite, and put my mind more at ease than I thought it could be given the stressful and sleepless previous nights. Blessing five, six, and seven: Did I mention my awesome parents? The ones that sat with us in the hot tiny little office to help us negotiate territory we've never been in and helped Glen pull me off the ceiling when numbers were being thrown around. Blessing eight: Larry, our awesome sales man who treated us like family and made us feel completely comfortable. Who also worked really hard to get us the palatable numbers. We got home feeling a weight off our shoulders because we had a reliable way to get to work and school. It's an amazing feeling not to worry every time you get in the car whether or not you'll make it where you need to go. But we still had the financial portion on our mind. Well I did at least, Glen was focused on being happy about our immediate relief (he's good that way, I'm a worrier). As I was thinking about how the finances would add up, I was checking my school email. I got one that told me my financial aid had been processed and I needed to go in and accept it. Preoccupied with my thoughts, I logged into my financial aid page and all of a sudden realized the number was different than last year...higher. Upon closer examination I realized I received a UTA scholarship. A grant that not so coincidentally would equate to pretty much a semester's worth of payments. This scholarship in conjunction with other grants and a little financial aid would allow us to pay my tuition and books, then set aside some for car payments AND get our savings back. This brought me to tears. It was then I realized all the blessings throughout this ordeal. There have been few times where I have felt so personally watched over, and this was a big one. I know two things for a fact. First, that my Heavenly Father recognized my efforts to be better and he heard the pleadings of my heart and met the needs of myself and my husband. Second, the faithfulness of my husband in my moment of doubt to pay our Blessing nine, ten, eleven, twelve: the scholarship to help my financial heartache, the assurance that we did what was right, the relief of an answered prayer or...five, and a faithful husband.
tithing blessed us ten fold.
I am amazed at the things that have happened this past week. At the amount we've been blessed, at having such a quickly answered prayer, at the wonderful supportive people I have in my life. I know the way this played out would not have happened if Glen and I had not been making such a concentrated effort to do those simple things we know we need to do. Now, it doesn't even seem appropriate to call them simple because of the resounding impact it has had.
So while the physical portion of my goals did not get as far as I hoped, the spiritual side has come farther in a week than I ever could have imagined. I hope you all have a fantastic week!
So I have been seeing people make blog posts and things talking about how they had a goal or goals in mind but can't seem to reach it without having to check in with someone, or in this case everyone. At first, I thought it was silly and that I didn't need it. Then I saw some of the results from these people and it was amazing! They are happy and feel like they have achieved their goal. That's awesome. So Glen and I were talking about some things that we have coming down the line for us and he asked me if I was happy with where I was. I realized that I am not really. I have a wonderful life. I have a husband that I love and he loves me back, I have a weird, quirky, amazing family, and really awesome friends. I am blessed to be surrounded by amazing people. In talking with some of these people recently and kind of looking at myself I realized that I am not my best self. I realized in the past few days that staring into the face of what I thought were these giant blemishes on my past made me realize how much I had been weighed down. Then I thought of a song that I love (thank you to my sister for introducing me to it) and one line that says "You said, remember that life is not meant to be wasted. We can always be chasing the sun!So fill up your lungs and just run. But always be chasing the sun!" If you had asked me five or ten years ago the kind of person I thought I would be now I would have told you all kinds of specifics. These were based on what I thought and knew to be important and based on the incredibly examples I had around me. Looking at myself now, I am nowhere near that. So this is where this blog comes in. It's probably more for me than anyone else; so if you don't want to read, I won't be offended. But I have some goals that I want to be held accountable to, so I am going to try this. I am not going to try and say I will write every week. I am not going to say that you want to read what I write every week. So I'll shoot for every other week.
The song that inspired this whole thing
So my goals in theory are relatively simple. But for whatever reason execution hasn't been as simple. Category wise they pretty much fall in the physical, mental, and spiritual arenas. Physically, I want to get healthier. Now before I get hissed and booed (I can hear my sisters in my head), I know I am not fat. Number wise I am fine. But I know my body. The picture inserted is one of our engagement pictures. This is the only time I can really point to where I really felt good about myself physically. I have always had issues with the way I felt physically. I never wanted to be a size 2, because I knew that I wasn't built that way. I was proud of my shape but I never felt healthy. This picture is one of my favorites because it's a good picture of Glen and in myself I see that I liked the way I looked. One thing that I attribute this to is the way I was eating and the amount of physical activity I was getting. Granted, the hour of yoga I got to do every day was mostly because I was in Texas for a short time so no one would hire me. But the idea is that it became a part of my routine. I also for whatever reason did not have much desire for junk food. It was summer time so I ate a lot of fruit and vegetables. So one goal is to get to the point again where I feel this way again. My goal is to just be healthier. I have endometriosis (spelling?) which impacts my ability to have children and according to the research I have done is affected by my nutrition and overall physical health. The last thing I want is for my sweet tooth to get in the way of having children. I also have lost too many family members to cancer; so there is a genetic risk there that is greatly decreased by proper nutrition. So my physical goals are:
1. Eat what my body needs to function properly (and of course drag Glen along with me...yay for marriage!)
2. Exercise 30 minutes for at least 5 out of 7 days
3. Curb my sweet tooth and the bored munching
These things seem really easy but I am such a picky eater that eating what I need and having it still be what I like eating is tricky, so that will be a learning experience. Exercise is something I have always struggled with. I have a hard time finding the time and the motivation. I don't like running generally because I feel like I look like Phoebe in the attached clip. So finding something I can enjoy will be part of this challenge. I am a terrible muncher! And usually it's junk and I know that's not good for me, so I want to stop that too.
The mental goal is really just to stop comparing myself to other people. Whether it be in school, in my calling, walking by them on the street. I want to be able to have that mental process that says that I am just as (insert comparison here) as them. Making sure I am seeing as much value in myself as I see in others. Also, working my way to moving past some past scars that have unintentionally handicapped me. I won't give the details on that but it's something I am working on too. This is getting long...er so I will try to wrap it up. The spiritual stuff is stuff that I struggle with and have for quite sometime and it's so frustrating because it's the "easy" stuff. Things like saying my prayers every day. I have been blessed by prayer multiple times, you would think this would be easier for me. But it's not. I am starting off with saying at least one personal prayer every day. With this I want to make sure that I am showing more gratitude. So I am going to put into action an idea my sister in law gave me to write down ways that I saw the Lord's hand in my life that day. Hopefully that will make the hard days a bit easier and the easier days even better. I also want to read my scriptures every day. Again, a silly sunday school answer that I should have been doing years and years ago. But I haven't been able to stick with it. I want to read the Book of Mormon all the way through and really study it. I have seen how this has blessed the lives of so many and I want to be one of those. Lastly, I want to go to the temple more. We went with my sister and brother in law recently and I realized how much I am still learning and how much I like going. I also know that it will bring Glen and I closer and who doesn't want to feel closer to their spouse? Overall, I really want to strengthen my testimony because just floating doesn't work. This is a lot, and I know that. I am not expecting it all to happen today, or in a week, or in a month. But I do want to be improving, learning,and growing. If you have ideas or tips that could help me with any of these things, please share! As I start to master some I may add or swap or do whatever I feel is right. But this is my starting point. Thanks for reading this, and if you made it to the end you're a trooper! :)
Have a good week and weekend!
