Two Years Gone

   It has been almost two years since I last posted in this blog. I don't really know why I stopped writing, I think I figured no one cared. But I guess I have also realized that it doesn't matter if anyone else reads it; writing is cathartic for me. It helps to organize and clarify some of the thoughts I have rolling around in my head. When I wrote last, I wrote about body image. This is something that is a constant battle but I think I am getting better. But that isn't what I have decided to write about. Hopefully this is not too much rambling.
   This year I have decided is trying to teach me about what I can't control. It seems as if from the time I started my last semester, at the beginning of the year, the universe has decided to see what I could handle. It turns out it is more than I thought it would be and I learned a lot. None of the things that happened this semester were in my control; at least none of the ones that impacted me the most.
   I have been trying very hard to grow myself spiritually. I have felt that in order for me to truly be comfortable in my own skin, I have to nurture my relationship with my Heavenly Father. We learn that we are created in His image and that he is acutely aware of each of us individually. This is hard for me to understand because I have always felt as if there were people that needed the help and attention more than I did. Despite that, I have been trying to dive into my scriptures every day. This has been the first time that I haven't just read the scriptures, but I have been delving into the scriptures. Instead of just praying before I read because I was supposed to, I prayed to understand what I was reading and to be engaged in it. Since then I have found a lot of comfort in them during these times that I don't understand. I have been looking for the blessing in the challenge or the light in the dark.
   If I have learned anything, it is that Heavenly Father doesn't give us anything that we cannot handle. This belief is something that has been thoroughly tested. When I had the medical issues that taxed my body and aggravated my mind, I had supportive individuals around me. My drive and the desire to finish what needed to be done was outweighed by the pain and discomfort of my body. The light in this darkness was my family. My husband who cared for me and worked so that I didn't have to worry. My parents and siblings, who helped after my surgery and reminded me of my goals. My mentor teachers who understood my struggles, and didn't fault me for them. They helped make this trial manageable.
   But the icing on the cake, what I thought for sure would break me, was the loss of my Grandfather. During his last week I had to make some choices-impossible choices. I had my last big certification test coming up rapidly that I knew I had to study for but I could not focus. Every minute I was reading or taking notes was one minute I was not with him. Two priesthood holders that I trust gave me a blessing with specific instructions. Part of this blessing included that I should not feel guilty or selfish for putting time or effort into my test; but that it's just as he would want it. When I thought that choice wasn't difficult enough, my supervisor called and told me that I essentially had to choose between being there for his services and having to re-do my last student teaching placement, or be back at school on Monday to stay on track. My heart was broken. How on earth could I not be there to say goodbye to this man who was a giant in my life? I couldn't make that choice. In a moment alone in the room with him I sat quietly. I looked at this person who believed in me so much. He encouraged my dreams and saw a strength and value in me that I never understood. While I sat there, I spent some time in my scriptures. I knew the answer to my dilemma and I hated it. I would be on a flight on Sunday. I would finished everything as planned because anything else would be a disservice to him. So I sat in the quiet, I cried, kissed him on the cheek, and texted my answer to my supervisor. She graciously expressed her condolences and empathy.

Granted, I was not going to a land full of hostile people. But I was in pain.

   Getting on that plane when I did was one of the hardest things I have had to do, especially considering my Uncle had passed away that morning too. Coming to school when my heart was not there was hard too. I tried to remember what he read in his journal in the hours immediately after he passed. I read about his faith. During times of heartache and challenge he poured his heart out in prayer. He believed so strongly that if he prayed harder or more that he would be blessed, and he saw those prayers answered. I took my cues from him. I poured me heart out every day and I believe I have been blessed, but not as many would think.
    I am not someone who deals with an abundance of emotion very well. I guess that's another part of me that shows evidence of Friday genetics. I deal with grief differently. By that I mean both differently from others, and differently each day. Some days I am fine because I don't think about it. Other days I am angry because I can't just pick up the phone to call him, or I can't just go to New York and see him. Then there are others where it just feels hard to breathe. My blessings have been those days where I am okay; those were usually days where I was being observed or needed to teach. For the rest of those days, I have a husband who understands that when I am angry I am not angry with him. I am angry at the hole that wasn't there before. So he is compassionate and understanding. On the days that are hard to breathe he lets me cry, just sit and be quiet, makes me laugh, or tries to help me do something fun. My parents are always there to help, let me talk, cry, or say nothing.
   My blessings did not just come from family. When an unexpected call came from my Grandpa's phone and it felt like a punch to my heart. My kindergarten mentor asked me if I was okay. My third grade mentor gave me a hug and expressed her condolences. My university supervisor gave me a week to breathe before observations started again. She checked up on me and shared personal experiences that helped me realize that she really did understand how I felt. She felt bad that I had to come home and was doing everything she could to help me. My scripture study was a blessing. It gave me solace and helped me feel close to my Heavenly Father. There are so many more that I can think of.
   I graduated this weekend. I made it through these difficulties, against all odds. I know that my Grandfather would be proud and I gain comfort knowing he and my Grandma were watching my sister and I graduate. Below are some scriptures I came across that hit me closest.

I know that I could not have gotten through all of this without my Heavenly Father's help.